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American Apple's phone sex blog - Laughing @ Weenies Too Small for Treatment - 2013-12-24 23:39:41

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Somedays, I can only laugh at my patients problems (on the inside)....

I had an early 30's guy come in to the clinic last week. He clearly has some undisclosed issues, but I'll be there for him as much as I can.

So he came to the clinic last week, complaining of a rash on his pecker. I've been doing this work long enough to figure out most genitalia and dermatology issues "lickety split".

"Does this rash hurt and do you masturbate a lot?", I asked.

"No, it doesn't and yes," he said, shamefully, "I do".

He came with labs from the other clinic and he was really worried that his penis rash is herpes. I told him it could be syphilis, herpes, warts, an allergy, jock itch, five issues on my immediate differential diagnosis list of penile rashes.

"Do you want to show me?", I query.

(I'm cracking up on the inside at this young white man, because, I know he didn't think the older, sultry, sexy, pouty lipped, black woman was gonna look at his slim Jim).

So he agrees to show me his rash.

I summon my assistant (so I wont be accused of rape) and proceed to order him to stand on the exam table step, drop his pants, hold up his shirt.

When out pops his micro penis, friction burns and all....I think he's playing a joke. I'm thinking, they've installed cameras in my exam room and I'm on Candid Camera..... God, I want to laugh.

So despite the fact that his rash is clearly not herpetic, non vesicular, non painful...no clusters.... I collect a specimen.

I'm an evil, sadistic nurse practitioner...so I show my assistant his cock. She tried not to laugh, but as his circumcised wood is getting harder, now erect and it's barely palm sized, we're very amused, making sly eyes at each other - who gives a fuck what he thinks??

I ask again with consternation, "how often do you masturbate? You've got to cut that out.....", I tell him.

I begin to scrape his Jr. Johnson for fluid, asking, "does this hurt". Still not a flinch. "How about now?"

When he says, "No", I begin rubbing harder, until his flesh is red...but still no fluid comes out....

So that was last week. Today he returned for the results.

When I told him NOTHING came of the test, he was surprised. (I don't know why.... he's not getting any ass, only Palmolive, LOLOL....)

He said, "I still have the rash. It's not any better".

Again, I ask... "Do you want me to look at it again?" I'm hoping for god sake he says, no...

"Yes, please..."

"Ok". I start donning my gloves and pretty sure he's thinking it's just me and him this time. HELL NO!

I'm thinking, if it's penile flat warts we can use a topical Imiquimod solution for a few nights.

This time I summon a student to assist me. I love making the assistants blush - They all suck random dicks anyway, so at least this time they get to see a random dick in a clinical setting.

Again, I tell him to stop touching his cock so much. Use Ky Jelly. Wash his undies separately and I give him medication for a tinea type jock itch, plus a urology / dermatology referral. "*This is too small to treat" I tell him. (I can hear my student assistant laugh under her breath).

In the end, he was happy. Enough to ask, "can I have sex without a condom now?"

What a fucking idiot!! The rash was still present. He was already concerned that he has cooties. Who the hell is gonna want to fuck his micro peenie with satellite lesions and friction burns?

No. I told him not to have any sex at all and come see me next week.

What will I do? I'll see if the treatment works, did he have a chance to see the specialist and what improvement has he noticed, if any.

I'm gonna see him alone next time and jack him off myself - with no assistant present - so he can claim I raped him if he chooses.

Why would he? Because I plan to have his ass (literally) at the same time.

I'll show him how to wank quickly and gently plus since we keep Ky in the office, I'll use a dollop on my latex clad palms. Just when he least expects it, I'll penetrate his tight white ass and watch him squirt some jism.

"Shhhhhhh"....he better not say a word. He better not moan.

This is gonna be fun. Stay tuned for the racket and noise that will surely emanate from behind my closed exam room door
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